1.You must believe that being a drug addict is an entitlement.

2. You must believe that those born to privilege or those who achieve success are pockets to be picked.

3. You must believe that ethics are relative to your nationality or creed, and therefore free to be ignored.

4. You must believe that folks who work for their money should be taxed at a high rate, to subsidize those who do nothing.

5. You must believe that being “morally upright” means being gay and liberal.

6. You must believe that, to rid the country of crime, you must rid the world of people.

7. You must agree that racking up huge amounts of debt and handing it off to future generations is worth the few hoot owls.

8. You must believe the US should defer to the UN, turn over US troops to international tribunals and foreign generals, while simultaneously underwriting most of the international aid/ rescue programs in perpetuity.

9. You must believe that the best person to represent the United States in the UN is someone who gives in.

10. You must believe that government should legitimize your deviant behaviors, and should feel perfectly at home in our bedrooms and doctors offices.

11. You must believe that profitable science is perfectly ok to run government, and that all pollution which comes from science is bunk when it cuts into your profits.

12. You must support prayer in schools, as long its to Allah or Buddha.

13. You must believe that we should kill a helpless woman in a hospital bed, and support thousands living in flood plains with advance notice of a hurricane beyond all reason after their elected officials have failed them.

14.You must believe that the color of the person drowning influences the impact of the story.

15.You must believe that no Democrat is crooked, as long as he says “I did not have sex with that woman.”

16. You must believe that “Standing Tall for America” means paying your workers more than they are worth, and keeping their jobs to Indiana long after you have gone insolvent because, corporations headquartered offshore to avoid taxes, have run you out of business.

17. You must believe that a woman can kill her own body and anything issuing forth from it, and that you can manage huge multi-national corporations and make decisions affecting all mankind with no training whatsoever.

18. You must hate those that love Jesus, but love those who share your hatred and distrust of the rich, heterosexuals, and Bush.

19. You must support the ACLU for representing all people whose rights have been violated, except Christians, and capitalists.

20. You must believe that the best way to show appreciation to the troops is to give aid and comfort to their enemies, undercut their moral, and use the courts to get them to divulge their information sources and interrogation techniques.

21. You must be willing to believe that group sex and drug use are acceptable lifestyle choices, and as such, should be taught in public schools.

22. You must think that teaching liberal sex education and offering birth control in schools is the wisest course, since teenagers will have sex anyway.

23. You must think that the best way to fight terrorism is to appease our enemies, and defer to the rest of the world when they demand our money.

24. You must believe that health care is a right, in which no one pays, yet everyone receives health insurance. You must also believe that insurance companies can exist without the profit.

25.You must believe that going bankrupt is a social problem, and that the governments top concern should be how YOU got there in the first place.

26. You must have not been asleep in church when they warned you against vice and excess.

27. You must believe that the illusion of security under Saddam was better for Iraq.

28. You must have a narrow, black/white view of global politics, and be able to criticize any action without offering any solution, viable or otherwise, as an alternative, and believe that anyone in office now is profiting from the war in Iraq.

29. You must believe that the Bill of Rights said that their can be no God in our politics.

30. You must agree that there is no distinction between adulterous affairs, and dereliction of duty, obstruction of justice, abuse of the position of President of the United States, lude acts committed on public property, perjury, or rape.

31. You must believe that Dick Cheney is still being paid by Halliburton.

32. You must believe that attorney-client privilege does not apply to the President.

33. You must always remember Bush saying “Read my lips.” But forget the democrats who held the country hostage with no budget for weeks past the start of the fiscal year just to force him to reneg on the statement.

34. You must gerrymander and contort any district you wish to ensure an ethnic enclave is created that supports your party.

35. You must believe that if you count the votes enough times, you will finally get a tally you like.

36. You must always be the one to sign the back of checks and never the front. You must believe that you have a right to a job, or at least a check. You must believe that anyone working for minimum wage is doing their best, and will never move ahead unless the government intervenes on their behalf, even if that intervention makes them complacent, and removes any incentive for them to do it on their own.

Rules For Being A Republican